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Abandonment and Betrayal 

 By David Quigley
Information provided by: David Quigley, Founder and Director of The Alchemy Institute of Hypnosis

"My father left us when I was ten years old. I haven't seen him since."

"I told her not to drink and drive but she didn't listen, even after two DUIs. Now she's dead. It's like she didn't care."

"I had to leave him when he wouldn't stop drinking. I couldn't take the abuse. But I still miss him."
In reading the above examples what is immediately clear is the sense of anger and betrayal inherent in these experiences. This anger arises from a sense that some kind of agreement, spoken of unspoken, existed between these two people which was broken. Perhaps it was as clear as a wedding vow of faithfulness "til death do us part". Perhaps it was some subtle social more like the one that says that family members don't just disappear on each other. While some folks, including a depressing number of therapists and spiritual thinkers in our liberated individualistic culture would like us to believe that each of us is responsible only for ourselves and to ourselves, I find such reasoning shallow at best. Certainly I don’t want to raise my children in the shallow world of "Do your own thing and I'll do mine" morality. No human culture will long survive such a philosophy. Instead I believe that we need to honor our own experiences of betrayal and acknowledge when someone selfishly broke this agreement and hurt us. We need to honor our anger and give it a voice. Then we need to find a path to forgiveness, which I believe is important before we can finish grieving the loss of our beloved.

  • "Here is what you did to me...!"
  • "Here is what I tried to do for you...!"
  • "Here is what I deserved from you...!"
  • "This is what a loving husband/father/family member should do...!"
  • "Listen to how I have suffered because of what you did...!"
  • "Here is how the rest of us have suffered...!"
  • "How could you have done this to us?"
    "I am so sorry I hurt you. I was really stupid and selfish. Please forgive me."
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    ​"I was a very wounded person because of my own childhood. No one ever taught me how to love. I always knew you deserved a better love than I could give. I just didn’t know how to tell you."
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    ​"Since I left you I have lived a lonely life, and all the other women give me no comfort. I lost my life when I lost you."
    But often we must also learn to forgive ourselves for the foolish choices we have made, and the suffering we have therefore brought to ourselves and sometimes to our families. For this I recommend a process called the Self forgiveness Process. First, imagine in front of you the vulnerable, naive part of yourself, perhaps the foolish child, or the hopeless romantic, who believed all the lies, the false promises, or simply chose to ignore the facts in front of him or her. Picture this naïve part of you any way you wish. Maybe give it a name, like "Mr. Idiot Romantic" or "Suzy Sunshine" or "Miss Denial". Then rail on at this part of you with all the righteous anger you feel at this part of you. After all, no one could have betrayed you like this if you had not betrayed yourself over and over again as this foolish blind romantic. After giving vent to all of your feelings, then listen to the response of your naïve self. You will no doubt hear many excuses and explanations. "But he was so convincing." "She was so beautiful. I was hypnotized by her smile." "I was sure my love could somehow change him." Etc. Almost invariably however, the deeper truth will soon emerge, which is a lot darker and a lot more pitiable. "I didn't think I would ever find true love. So I figured I would have to settle for this. I figured no one decent would ever want a loser like me, so I just had to hang in there. I was so desperate, so lonely. I couldn't bear to be alone again. Besides, that is the way love always is." Once you realize these deeper beliefs, you can begin to forgive that lonely naïve part of you. These are the subconscious negative core beliefs which drive many of us to make foolish choices over and over in our love lives. Now we must begin to change these core beliefs.

    At this point it becomes important, even essential to find the loving Inner Father, Inner Mother, or Inner Mate. These powerful inner guides are essential to the recovery of the inner child and the inner romantic who has continually allowed us to be abandoned and betrayed. That is because only they can help us finally fill the terrible emptiness which has filled our hearts since childhood. Only they can help us to change our negative core beliefs about ourselves and about love.
    Take off your soiled clothes, and let my arms enfold you
    Let me wash your face of all the tears you've shed
    In the nights when your sweet heart has bled.
    Let your sorrows pass
    Let me fill your empty glass
    With a love that always lasts
    Like a wandering soul, returning from the wars,
    Let me give you shelter, the shelter from the storm.
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    Once again the answer lies in Spiritual Communication, since it is often next to impossible to get the other person to listen to us even if they are still alive. In this case we need to release the anger we feel in order to gain completion. This should include using a big heavy duty pillow as a prop. First, close your eyes and imagine this person in front of you. Then speak loudly and angrily to them about how they abandoned and betrayed you. You may wish to grab the pillow, perhaps even slap it or punch it to emphasize your words. (I do not suggest you use violence in your physical communications with another however, no matter how abused you feel!) Here are some of the sentences you may wish to complete in your communication:
    "I found out he had been cheating on me with his secretary for two years. And denying it to my face.
    ​Now he tells me they are in love and he is leaving me after ten years and raising three kids together."
    Our experience of grief and loss is gravely complicated when we feel abandoned or betrayed by the one we loved.
    ​Here are some examples of abandonment and betrayal:
    In the process of my recovery from deep abandonment and suicidal depression, my inner mate, an angel named Michaela, wrote the following song for me, which I believe expresses the inner family's power to bring healing to abandonment and betrayal in our lives.
    Once you have exhausted everything you need to say, then step back, close your eyes, and listen to this perpetrator’s response. To make this communication even more powerful, perhaps you could imagine yourself becoming this other person. Feel your face and body becoming theirs. Feel their emotion flowing through you. And prepare to be surprised by their response. If you are doing this process correctly you may hear words like these:
    Through these kinds of messages, when we hear of the ignorance, the woundedness and the suffering of our betrayers,
    ​we can discover the joys of forgiveness.